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Should You Keep His Name?

This post is dedicated to all the ladies of Riverside who took a man’s last name, divorced, and don’t know whether they should keep the new last name. And thanks to recent law changes, all the guys who are in the same boat.

In an interesting new trend, many women aren’t going back to their maiden name or keeping their married name—they’re choosing new last names. That name may be a maternal grandmother’s name or another relative important to that person. It’s a reflection of what matters and a symbolic way to truly start over.

Going back to your maiden name can feel like moving backward, and keeping your married name can feel like being stuck in something that didn’t work. So it does make sense why many women, post-divorce or separation, are choosing entirely new last names.

That being said, it may not be the wisest choice for everyone. Think of all the documents, the confusion, and the questions you’ll get. Realize that when your last name is different than your kids’ there are a thousand processes that will naturally be harder.

Here are a few tips:

  1. No matter what your name is, inform everyone. Make a long list of all the people, organizations, companies, etc. that need to know your legal name. Check them all off quickly.
  2. Talk to your friends and family. It’s your decision, but it can be nice to get feedback. It’ll also lessen the blow if it’s an unwanted surprise.
  3. Make a choice and stick to it. Once your name is legally changed, make sure people know and request to be called only that.

What Kids Want Most

Divorce is not for the faint at heart. It can be a traumatic experience for everyone involved, and most parents agree that putting your kids first is the hardest part. It’s not hard because you don’t want to; it’s hard because you’re not sure how best to do that. Author Honoree Corder shared with HuffPost the three things kids want most when their parents divorce. If you can remember these three things, it should be much easier to know how to make sure the divorce process is as painless as possible for your children.

  1. They want you to be happy. A parent that isn’t happy, not matter what type of mood it is, makes an unhappy kid. Children feel most secure and content when their parents are content. So if you’re not happy, it’s not just hurting yourself. Focus on self-improvement for your kids’ sake.
  2. Attention. It’s a word typically with a negative association, but it is true that kids of most ages simply want our time and attention, even when they won’t admit it. Do what they want to do, set a weekly time, or figure out what you can do together. Take every step necessary to spend time with them.
  3. Get along with your ex. Once again, you may think this is/isn’t for your benefit… but it’s actually for your kids’ benefit. He might no longer be your spouse, but he’s still their dad. And no one wants to see their parents fight. Be friendly when it isn’t easy; be nice when she doesn’t deserve it. Take baby steps to building a mutually respectful relationship. Your kids will appreciate it, notice and model your behavior.

About Dayn Holstrom

Dayn Holstrom is a hard working, compassionate problem solver who welcomes the opportunity to serve you in any way he can. His maximum availability to your questions and concerns begins with your free initial consultation. He is well-seasoned in all matters related to family law and a skilled negotiator and litigator.

Five Ways to Say Goodbye to your Relationship/Marriage

If you get to the point where there is no hope to save your marriage, how do you bring up the subject of divorce? Here are five suggestions. In every situation you need to find a quiet place for the discussion. Make sure just the two of you are alone and there will be no interruptions so you have plenty of time to talk. Be aware of using statements that are not accusatory, but instead discuss your specific feelings using “I” statements.

Here are five suggestions for discussion starters:

1. If your partner does not expect the breakup.

I know you have probably noticed that I have been acting differently lately. I’m sorry I haven’t shared with you my feelings. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore, so I didn’t say anything, but now I feel I must. I think we both know that our marriage has actually been over for a while, neither of us are happy. It’s difficult to say this, but I think it’s time to call it quits.

2. If your partner has done something you cannot forgive.

I hope you understand that I have really tried to forgive you. This relationship is one of the most important parts of my life. I wanted to make it work, but I just can’t get over the pain. I still love you and I know you are a good person who made a bad decision, but I need to move on.

3. If you simply need to get out.

I have been avoiding this conversation for a long time. There is no easy way to say what I have to say. I just can’t be married anymore. This has been the hardest decision I have ever made. I know it seems selfish. You are a great person, and I don’t like hurting you, but I need a new start somewhere else.

4. If you have been hanging in there so you wouldn’t hurt your partner.

I know we have discussed this before, and I have tried to make it work, but it’s not working. This is heartbreaking for both of us. It is so difficult to say this, but a clean break is probably the best way for each of us to find happiness again.

5. If you need to get others involved.

I know we both have tried to work this out because we want what is best for our family. We have done all we can, but I really can’t be in this relationship anymore. We have tried to talk about it, but it never goes anywhere. I’m hoping that you will consent to counseling so we can come to some peaceful agreements.

When To Stop Talking About It

Here’s a painful truth: most people don’t want to hear about your messy divorce every single day. In fact, talking too much about the ended relationship can actually damage your other relationships, which is the last thing you want to do.

Especially if you’ve been cheated on or truly hurt, you may be one of those people who wants to tell everyone. It can be therapeutic and seem like the best way to cope. But, there’s a big difference between speaking truth by relaying facts to those who ask, and becoming an emotional, venting, wreck every chance you get.

Resist the urge to tell their employer, or post it on social media. Don’t believe us? We see it hurt people in divorce trials in Riverside all the time. Take it from blogger Tracy Schorn, who recently shared these three tips with HuffPost about why you shouldn’t over share:

1) Any communication can, and probably will, be used against you in court. If you’re exposing a legal issue, consult one of our attorneys first. Don’t use Twitter because you think that’s effective. You have to be very careful what you say when you know you’ll be in a courtroom soon.

2) You look crazy. Yes, unfortunately no matter how you tell the story, you’re the one who’ll look nutty. Every single time you bring it (him/her) up, you’ll look more and more desperate for attention and like you’re losing it.

3) Gives them the upper hand. Don’t let your ex affect your mood. He/she doesn’t deserve that anymore. Be strong and don’t let them get to you. Focus on you and your new life.

About Dayn Holstrom

Dayn Holstrom is a hard working, compassionate problem solver who welcomes the opportunity to serve you in any way he can. His maximum availability to your questions and concerns begins with your free initial consultation. He is well-seasoned in all matters related to family law and a skilled negotiator and litigator.

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