After your divorce is complete, it should be a relief. Finally, the process is over and you can focus on starting a fresh chapter without your spouse. However, when you add children to that equation, the frustration might be just starting. Not only do you have to continue interacting with your ex-spouse, but it has to be amicable enough maintain a healthy environment for your child.

What do you need to do as a parent to provide your child with a positive outlook on your divorce and a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse?

Read on for the top ten tips on co-parenting after a divorce:

1. Set feelings of hurt or betrayal aside. This sounds easier said than done, but it is key for maintaining a healthy environment to your child. It’s okay to be angry or hurt, but you do not have to let your feelings dictate your actions. Let your actions be motivated by what is best for your child-which is cooperating with your ex-spouse.
2. Get your feelings out, but do not vent to your child. You will no doubt need to let out steam occasionally, but it’s important that you don’t badmouth your ex-spouse in front of your child. Your ex-spouse is still your child’s mother or father, and hearing you speak badly of them can be hurtful and confusing to them. Also, emotionally depending on your child in that way is too much pressure for them and may alter your relationship with them. Enlist the help of friends, family, or a counselor for help venting.
3. Don’t trap your child in the middle. You should not let your child feel like they are being torn between you and your ex-spouse. You may always hold onto some resentment with your ex-spouse, but you need to compartmentalize those feelings for your kids. Never use your children as messengers between you and your ex, which would put them in the middle of your conflict. Try to communicate your ex yourself, because your child has the right to a relationship with the other parent free of your influence.
4. Don’t use your child against your ex. At this point, you are adjusting to your new family dynamics and way of life. In addition, you are putting your old relationship with your ex in the past and developing a new one. There may be times when custodyissues arise and you and your ex have a disagreement. It is very important that you do not use your child as a bargaining chip when negotiating. This is confusing for your child and will likely cause a lot of resentment in the future from your child.
5. Don’t “rescue” your child. When speaking to your children, allow them to express exactly how they are feeling. You may be tempted to ‘rescue your child by trying to fix any negative emotion they express. However, it is normal for your child to feel this way, and it is more important for you to validate your children’s feelings and let them know you are there for them no matter what.
6. Be clear when communicating with your spouse. To avoid conflict, try setting a business-like tone, where you clearly define boundaries. A business-like tone also entails being cordial, respectful, and neutral. Be sure to listen to your ex, and communicate with them consistently.
7. Improve your relationship with your ex-spouse. Maintaining a cordial relationship with your ex-spouse is in your child’s best interest. To keep a good relationship, you will want to check in with your spouse to ask their opinion on any issues. If necessary, you might want to take the high road and apologize.
8. Be consistent. Having a consistent environment for your kids will help them feel comfortable and acclimate quicker. Have generally consistent rules and discipline tactics in both homes. You will also want to try for a regular routine or schedule for the child to get used to regarding school, meals, or bedtimes.
9. Don’t introduce big changes to the family at this time. After having finally ended their unhappy marriage, some parents want to pursue new lifestyles and interests. Though this is fine, this isn’t a good time to implement these changes. Kids thrive on predictability, and the divorce itself was already a big change for them. Give them adequate time to get used to the divorce before making radical changes.
10. Don’t rush a step-parent connection. Once you do introduce changes into your new life, you may want to introduce a step-parent to your children. Many kids want to rebel against a new

Starting the divorce process can be daunting, especially when you are not sure of how the process actually proceeds. In general, a divorce follows the same format. Familiarize yourself with the steps and a divorce process might not seem so overwhelming.

First, the petitioner, meaning the party who is initiating the court case, has a few things to decide. The petitioner will want to determine if you qualify for a summary dissolution, which is a quicker and easier way to end a marriage or domestic partnership. If you qualify for a summary dissolution, you will not have to talk to a judge, though it is still in your best interest to consult your lawyer. To qualify for a summary dissolution, you have to have been married for less than 5 years, have no children together, and not own any major assets together. In addition, the petitioner will want to determine where they can file the divorce, including what state and county. They will also want to figure out how much it will cost to file the divorce forms, and if they can afford it. Before the divorce proceedings, the petitioner will want to determine if there are any special procedures or forms for divorce in their county.

Next, the petitioner might want to talk to their spouse to see if they can agree on the terms of the divorce. Keep in mind that this step should NOT be carried out if you are a victim of domestic violence. If you are concerned for your safety, consult with a lawyer or domestic violence counselor for this step. If you can talk with your partner and agree on divorce terms, you may be able to save money on filing fees, like if you work it out so only the petitioner has to file papers in court. Creating an agreement will also cut down on court time. It should also be noted that these conversations do not have to happen early on in the case, rather, they can occur throughout the proceedings. So, do not give up on trying to reach an agreement if one cannot be reached early on.

Next the petitioner will complete and file all the necessary forms, including any forms specific to their local. Filing the forms just entails giving the forms to a court clerk at your courthouse. There is a fee for filing forms; if you cannot afford the fees, you can apply for a fee waiver. Next the respondent (the person being sued) will have copies of the court forms delivered to them in time for the respondent to give the judge their side of the story before a decision is made. This part of the process is called “service of process.” The person who delivered the forms to the respondent fills out a “proof of service” form which the petitioner then files.

After this, the respondent decides if they want to file a response with the court. If not, the judge will make a decision on the case. If they do decide to file a response, the respondent will fill out and file a series of forms within 30 days of being served. Then, those forms will be served to the petitioner. Again, the person who delivers the forms will fill out a proof of service form which the petitioner will file. Both parties then exchange financial documents which state what they own and what they owe, which is called the “preliminary declaration of disclosure.” The preliminary declaration of disclosure helps the parties to come up with a fair way to divide debt and property.

Finally, the court will approve and sign the judgement. This part of the process depends on whether or not the spouses can reach an agreement on the terms of the divorce or not. Next, both parties will have to file a few more forms. If the couple can reach an agreement on the terms, they will not have to go to court and the process will generally be easier and shorter. 6 months after the final forms are filed, the divorce is finalized.

In September 2012, writer Ann Abel’s life imploded. At the beginning of that year, she had a beautiful loft in New York’s East Village, a dream job as a travel editor for a luxury magazine, and a husband who her friends and family were sure was the best thing that ever happened to her. Flash-forward to September, and Abel was working as a freelance writer, living in a Brooklyn apartment with a distant friend, and in the midst of a messy divorce. Crying on the kitchen floor, she felt she had truly reached rock bottom. Shortly after, the new divorcee turned 39, and realizing she was staring a milestone birthday in the face, she decided she needed to do something big.

Abel gave herself the birthday gift of a trip to climb Kilimanjaro. Her plan was to turn 40 years old at the top of the mountain, to prove that she was still, “gutsy, fit, vital, strong, slightly crazy, and young.” She also wanted to prove to herself that despite losing her job, her home, and her husband, she was still standing and as strong as ever. The writer had some experience with hiking and climbing, including climbing a 14 foot mountain in Colorado and and exploring trails like the Appalachian Trail. The writer cites one of the most exhilarating experiences of her life as when she climbed a small peak in New Zealand’s Southern Alps. In fact, it was that feat that inspired her to climb Kilimanjaro to reclaim the adrenaline and sense of accomplishment she felt. Still, none of her experience came close that of climbing the 19,340-foot summit.

So, Abel booked a trip with Wilderness Travels, a luxury travel company who organizes an 8 day journey, as opposed to the standard 5 day trip. The longer hike follows a trail which allows the climbers to acclimatize easier to the thin air as the elevation increases. The trip also included an array of amenities like tables and chairs in the dining tent, chemical toilets, hot water for dishwashing, and a group of 80 porters who acted as guides, chefs, and even carried their gear up the mountain. Surprisingly, the writer found the most difficult part to be resting. While she had mentally and physically prepared herself for the climb, she didn’t know the hardest part would be sleeping on the cold, hard ground, alone with her thoughts. The writer admits to crying for most of the first night.

After the first night, the climb got a little easier. Many of the women on the trip confirmed the had similar feelings, and Abel even met a “kindred spirit” in a fellow woman who was 40 and had gone through a difficult year as well, Susan. Though she still cried most nights, she got lost in the breath-taking scenery. Each day, she found herself more motivated and inspired than ever. The last day was the most brutal. The climbers found themselves at 16,000 feet, where they climbed icy boulders until they reached 18,600 feet. Finally the campers found themselves as the summit at 8am on New Year’s Eve. Abel and her new friends basked in exhilaration and a sense of accomplishment, posing for photos under the Uhuru Peak sign.

On the climb down, Abel felt she was in a strange funk. While she was still proud of herself, she felt she didn’t have anything to look forward to. “I realized that I’d somehow thought I would figure everything out on the mountain,” she writes, “ I’d assumed some magical epiphanies would just happen to me, that I’d find purpose and direction for the second half of my life.” However, she found that she was so focused on physically climbing, she had no energy to use for “soul-searching.” Once she had time to reflect, she realized the point wasn’t to “Figure Everything Out,” rather, the journey reminded her that there is value in the process of healing, and she might even need help sometimes, just like how she needed a lot of help from her guides. “Poly-poly is what the guides constantly reminded us” Abel says, “Slowly, slowly. It pays to be patient, to let things take time, but to work for them instead of expecting them to just come to me without any dedicated thinking of effort.”

After your divorce is finalized, you may be feeling confused as to what steps to take next. There are many relevant issues to consider after your divorce; issues regarding taxes, insurance, child support, and your assets should all be taken into account. If at all possible, you might want to consult a financial advisor before your divorce is final, or at the earliest convenience. Though it may seem overwhelming at first, taking an organized approach can help to put your mind at ease. The steps you take now can help ensure that you have a solid foundation for your new life.

One of the first things you should do after after your divorce is split up your assets and change your insurance beneficiaries. Tell your employer about the separation so that you can change your income tax withholding status, as well as the beneficiary of your employee benefits. Your employer will contact the spouse about the cost of continued health insurance. In addition, now is a good time to change your retirement account beneficiaries, and your last will and testament.

If you haven’t already, be sure to close any credit card accounts that list both you and your spouse, and reopen them in your name alone. While you’re taking care of splitting up assets, you may need to change the title of your car, if it’s determined that only one spouse will take a vehicle that you used to jointly own. To change the title, you will need to file a Notice of Transfer and Release of Liability at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The biggest asset you may need to split could be your 401K. Be sure to work with your attorney to take care of your 401K, as this is a key step to preparing for your future.

Another issue to address is the custody of your children. In California, it is possible to alter the custody, child support, or visitation terms after the divorce is finalized; alterations to these terms are among the most common made. Changes can be made at any time without a significant change in circumstances. Reasons for changes often regard and change in a parent’s work schedule, one of the parents moving, a change in the child’s preference, or one of the parents being deemed irresponsible. If you feel any of these factors apply to you and you’d like to make modifications, consult your attorney, who can help you complete the correct file for a modification.

Once you have taken care of these main issues, you might want to establish a budget. You may need to live off your divorce settlement now, or you could invest your settlement for the long term. Any additional questions regarding taxes or credit can be addressed to your attorney. Compile a list of ny matters about the next steps to take that may be troubling you and inform your attorney about them. After you’ve resolved any confusion, you can focus on starting a fresh chapter of your life.