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Forgetting About Your Ex

Unfortunately, the quest for love is not always smooth sailing. At some point, most of us will have to endure the heartache of a breakup. Whether you have been in a relationship for years or a few weeks, getting over your ex and moving on can be both a laborious and emotional process. During this time, it is important to remember that you need to take care of yourself and proactively move forward in a healthy direction.

  • Manage your expectations. Most relationships were not built in a day, so it is unrealistic to presume that you can get over your ex overnight. Give yourself some time to work through your feelings. This is important because you will not be able to move on if you have not dealt with your past. If you are having trouble coping, reach out to your friends and family or seek counseling. If you are not in the mood to talk to others about your situation, write your thoughts down in a journal. Suppressing your feelings at this stage in the process can be unhealthy and can cause you more emotional strain later down the road.
  • Accept that your relationship is over. You cannot move on with your life until you let your ex go. If you feel haunted by old photos and/or belongings, get rid of them. Stop communicating with your ex and resist the urge to respond to him/her. Try to avoid running into him/her around town and at social gatherings. The less you see your ex during this period of grieving, the better.
  • Look on the bright side. Remember that there are positives to being single. Often, in relationships, we spend an extensive amount of time catering to the needs of our significant others and we forget about our own needs. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself and cater to your own needs.
  • Stay busy. It is natural to feel lonely after a breakup. Instead of dwelling on what your ex is doing, make plans to hang out with your friends and family. This will help you to take your mind off your breakup for a while.
  • Embrace new experiences and try new things. Whether you go camping, hiking, join a club, take a cooking class, learn to surf, or just make some new friends, you are creating new memories that don’t revolve around your ex. This will help you remember that you can live a happy, healthy life without him/her.

The Phases of Moving On

Once a divorce is finalized, you may decide to move on. Some people may also have family or friends that encourage or force them to move on. It must be noted, forcing oneself to move on can make it harder to recover, we outline some stages people may go through if they do force it. Even if your are ready to take the plunge, you may notice your actions in some of our phases.

  • Bunny Hop - This phase can be seen just as a person starts divorcing or is finalizing their divorce and we call it the “bunny hop” phase, where the person hops from this to that. They may date different people, start internet dating, remove old friends and make new ones, travel, get a new job or try new jobs all together. This period can be necessary to understanding your new self and trying things you never would have before – which is healthy. The problem can substantiate if you never step out of this phase and grieve your marriage. Confronting your failed marriage and the pain or anxiety that comes from it is a necessary step to moving on.
  • Wallowing - This stage is complicated. A recently divorced person has decided to grieve but life has just caught the better of them. Their new relationship ends, they can’t support themselves financially, they bounce from job to job for a significant amount of time, depression sets in and they feel nothing will ever get better. This stage of wallowing is where one can get stuck in cynicism and sullenness. Getting trapped here can be very lonely. Getting the right support, either through friends, family, therapists or joining new social groups can really help someone in this phase.
  • Phoenix - Actually moving on is the phoenix phase, and the symbolism is certainly on purpose. Rising from the ashes of ones divorce having moved past both of the above phases – they have let go of their marriage, they have become self-motivating and accept themselves as a flawed person but forgive themselves for it. This self-realization is empowering and allows them to find their true self. This person is open to new love, never adventures and is happier for it. This doesn’t mean this person will never feel pain or sorrow again or that they won’t think about their divorce one morning and send those old emotions right back to the forefront, but this person has an easier time moving past those moments. One day they realize they haven’t thought about their ex or their marriage for some time -that alone offers comfort and relief.

Moving on isn’t an exact science. It’s a maze one needs to navigate on their own. Our phases above can be experienced in no particular order. Obviously, other factors such as co-parenting children can be a reminder that forces movement from phase to phase as well. In this instance, remember that children grow up at some point. Our takeaway is divorce is a journey that will end eventually and we encourage our clients or anyone going through one to take comfort in that.

There is much to prepare before filing for divorce. To learn what steps you should take before filing divorce, contact our firm and set up a consultation with an attorney.

Do I Have To Pay Spousal Support Before The Divorce Is Final?

Understanding Spousal Support

Spousal support. At this point, since you’ve made it to the website and are reading this article, you are either trying to figure out how to minimize your obligation to pay support or how to maximize your opportunity to obtain support. In fact, what’s important to note here is that spousal support is a very complex matter. And a very heated matter as well. Such questions often emerge: “Why do I have to pay him support?! I’m the woman.” Or, “Really, I have to pay her support even though she has a college degree and refuses work right now?!” It’s obvious, then, that spousal support may be the most contested issued during a divorce. So, let’s see if we can simplify a few things for you to get you started during your investigation.

A good starting point is to think about need vs. ability to pay. To keep this in very simplified form, often this is the lens the court will look through when awarding temporary spousal support. Wait, what do you mean temporary? Could it go away? And, does that mean there is also permanent spousal support too? Yes, and yes to the last two questions.

Temporary spousal support is very different than permanent spousal support. Temporary spousal support can begin (ready for this?) just days after one spouse files for divorce, which could be months or years before the divorce is final. To keep this simplified then, temporary support is before the final judgment, and permanent support is after the final judgment.

Understanding the timeline of the divorce will help: Once a spouse files for divorce with the court, California law will not allow the divorce to be final until at least 6 months have elapsed. A divorce can become final such as when (1) once the spouses agree in writing to such things like how the property will be divided or where the children will live and the judge signs off on this agreement; or(2) the divorce can become final after the judge rules on the parties’ disputed issues at a trial.

However, before the divorce becomes final, one spouse often seeks temporary spousal support. So, how do you get temporary spousal support? Like mentioned above, the court will weigh one spouse’s “need” against the other spouse’s “ability to pay.” That’s pretty much it for temporary support. This is relatively simple hurdle. So, to be blunt, the spouse earning more money will generally pay temporary spousal support.

So, now the bigger question: How much? The judge often will determine the amount of support by using a computer program called a Dissomaster or X-Spouse. That doesn’t help you now to determine what your obligation, or benefit, may be, does it? So, to help you, but to keep this in very simplified form, a support-paying spouse, for example, with no children, and where one spouse is employed, and the other spouse is unemployed, may expect to pay around 30% of his/her salary to the other spouse. You must know that this temporary support can last for months, or even years, until permanent spousal support is awarded.

For this article, though, our discussion is limited to temporary spousal support. Permanent spousal support is much more complex. In fact, a support-seeking spouse must provide proof of 14 different factors outlined in the law. Therefore, such discussion will need to be reserved for another time. Please note that the above information was kept in simplest form to help give you a primer of a situation that is important to know when considering divorce. As many areas of law, the complexity is understood and handled well by an attorney. Thus, it’s helpful to know that an experienced family law attorney is a phone call, or email, away to help provide guidance both before the marriage and at the difficult time of dissolving the marriage.

Income & Child Support

It is important for parties going through a divorce to understand what monies can be considered income under the child support guidelines used by the court. However, understanding what is or is not considered income is not simple or easy. There are many pitfalls and the calculation may be off by hundreds if not thousands of dollars, if you don’t have a skilled child support attorney to guide you.

California Family Code Section 4058,“Considers gross income that from any source except for child support payments that are actually received or public assistance programs where the eligibility for program assistance is based on need.”

The process of determining income begins when the divorce petition is first filed. Child support is one of the most important issues in a divorce case. Talk to an experienced child support attorney who is knowledgeable in how the support is calculated and can guide you through the entire process.

You ask, “What is income for support purposes”? By statute, income includes, but is not limited to:

  • salaries and wages, including tips, bonuses, commissions, overtime pay
  • rents from rental properties
  • dividends, pensions, interest income, income from a trust or annuity
  • workers compensation benefits
  • unemployment insurance
  • disability insurance benefits
  • social security benefits and alimony (spousal support paid by someone other than the other parent) received from an unrelated case to the parent seeking child support
  • SSI might not be considered income in some instances because it’s based on need
  • recurring gifts
  • lottery winnings (when taken as a lump sum) and gambling winnings count as income
  • etc.

When it comes to business owners, their income is typically the gross revenues of the business minus reasonable business expenses.

In addition, income includes other perks, such as the use of a company car, free housing and reimbursed expenses (expense account). But perks/employee benefits are not necessarily or automatically considered income: the court has discretion.

Is there any monies that aren’t used to determine income? Yes, but there are exceptions to each rule. Below are just a few examples of funds not considered income:

  • student loans that are used for books and tuition are not considered income
  • life insurance death benefits
  • future speculative income
  • stock when it cannot be liquidated or is received in connection with the sale of a business
  • home equity
  • personal injury proceeds (However, interest from invested proceeds are considered income)
  • gifts of a non-monetary nature
  • inheritance money
  • etc.

The determination of child support and what is and what is not income in a child support case can be very complicated.

If you have a child support matter, whether you are the one facing a child support award against you or seeking child support, you owe it to yourself to contact the experienced family attorneys in the law offices of Holstrom, Block & Parke.

We will guide you through your issues so you can focus on moving forward with your life. Contact us at one of our conveniently located offices in Orange, Riverside or San Bernardino Counties.

Losing Your Separate Property House

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOUSE IS NO LONGER MINE?
THE DIVORCE DILEMMA: LOSING THE HOUSE YOU PURCHASED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Written by Scott Feig, Esq.

What do you mean the house is no longer mine? I purchased it before I married her. And all the mortgage payments were made from my salary while she stayed home with the children. How can this be?!

This exclamation is often heard in the halls of the Family Law attorney’s office. In fact, all too often a spouse, to his or her dismay, learns that the house that he/she purchased before the marriage is now partially his/her soon-to-be ex-spouse’s upon the dissolution of the marriage. The misconception that so many people share is that the house they purchased before the marriage is 100% percent their house upon divorce. But, in California, this may not necessarily be true. For many people, this is a tough pill to swallow.

So, the best place to start is to understand that California is what we call a community property state. In fact, California is one of only 9 community property states. To keep it simple, without discussing any of the exceptions, generally, community property is all property, such as homes, land, cars, and personal belongings acquired by you or your spouse during the marriage. Note the operative term here—during. Generally, and to keep this very simple, community property is often split up between the spouses at divorce.

Thus, the flip side of this is to understand the other type of property—separate property. You can see where this is going. Generally, separate property is all the property you acquire before the marriage. Again, note the operative term—before. Generally, and to keep it simple, people often keep their separate property at divorce.

So, with this understanding, it makes sense if you are exclaiming: “My house that I purchased before marriage is mine, right?!” To your dismay, possibly not. Up until the date of marriage, the house was your separate property. But let’s look closely at the mortgage payments. If you paid the mortgage from your salary, note that California considers your salary community property, absent an agreement to the contrary, because your effort to earn it is a community effort, even when the other spouse stayed home with the children. Again, this may be a tough pill to swallow.

Thus, during the marriage, when you paid the mortgage on “your” house, the community began to earn a percentage in the home. Some of it depends on how much you paid down the mortgage during the marriage. The community may have a 10%, 20%, 30% or even much more interest. And, remember what was said above, generally community property is divided at divorce. So, at divorce, you may find yourself having to split part of the value of “your” house with your ex-spouse.

Please note that the above information was kept in simplest form to help give you a primer of a situation that surprises many people at divorce. As many areas of law, the complexity is understood and handled well by an attorney. Thus, it’s helpful to know that an experienced Family Law attorney is a phone call, or email, away to help provide guidance both before the marriage and at the difficult time of dissolving the marriage.

Communicating with Your Children

While going through a divorce, people tend to have difficulty understanding exactly how the process works, what their own conflicting emotions mean, and how to handle this new situation they find themselves in. For families with children, the situation can be even more challenging because talking to children about the problems between mom and dad is just not the easiest thing to do.

You feel uncomfortable discussing this so you’re not sure what to say to anyone about it at all. You may not have even admitted to yourself that your marriage is ending. At Holstrom, Block & Parke, we help parents navigate their way through the often very complicated divorce process. In so doing, we help their children understand and deal with this reality at the same time to ensure that they come out of the process relatively unscathed. Our attorneys can start using their experience and resources today to help you do the same. For a free telephone consultation with one of our attorneys!

Tips on Communicating with Your Kids

As parents, we want to protect our children and prevent them from enduring unnecessary hardship and emotional strain. Unfortunately however, divorce and separation, which in many cases puts a heavy burden on our children, are not always avoidable. Whether you are just starting the divorce process, or you are years into a child custody agreement, communicating with your children is probably one of the single most important steps you can take to protect their best interests.

  • Be honest with your children. Divorce and separation will inevitably bring change to both your life and the lives of your children. For most, change will bring about a mix of emotions—some positive, some negative. Make sure that you have an age appropriate conversation with your children about your situation in order to help them manage their expectations. Pretending that nothing is going to change will set them up for disappointment and lower your credibility.
  • Set aside time to regularly communicate with your children. Making communication a priority will show your children that you care about their feelings and value their input. Sit them down and tell them that they are a priority in your life. This will create an environment where your children feel safe to inform you if they are having trouble coping with things.
  • Use non-verbal cues to show your children you are there for them. Communication is not limited to words. There are a variety of non-verbal ways to communicate with your children in order to reinforce to them that they are a priority in your life. Smile often, hug your children, and make frequent eye contact with them. This will signal to them that you care about them and their feelings. Remember that showing them affection can help to relieve a lot of the stress that your children may be going through during this hard time.
  • Don’t talk negatively about your ex to your children. By venting to your children about your ex, you may be inadvertently causing unnecessary conflict. Children frequently feel caught in the middle of their parent’s breakup. Letting your children know that you them spending time with your ex may help to reduce the stress that they may feel from being caught in the middle. Remember that even though your ex may be the world’s hardest person to get along with, it is in your children’s best interest to have meaningful, frequent contact with him/her.

Overwhelmed by the thought of getting as divorce? Talk to an attorney who can help you manage the process in a way that works for you. Call our office directly today!

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The information on this website is for general information purposes only. Nothing on this site should be taken as legal advice for any individual case or situation. This information is not intended to create, and receipt or viewing does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.