Telling your spouse that you want a divorce, for most people, is easily one of the most terrifying things they’ll ever do. If you’ve been in that position, you may recall the need to be sick or the complete lack for words. If you’re wondering what to say and how to say it… this article is for you. Psychotherapist Abby Rodman outlines for HuffPost Divorce several ways you can end the relationship.

We’ve summarized her thoughts below:

• If you’ve been staying married for his/her sake: remind him/her that making a clean break is everyone’s best chance at finding true happiness and love.
• If your spouse has no idea you’re thinking of ending the marriage, apologize for not being open about your feelings. Realize he/she knows you’ve been distant and it’s time to explain why. Explain that poor communication is just one reason the marriage isn’t working.
• If you’ve screwed up, own it. Tell her she’s been a wonderful spouse and you know that you screwed up. You may have done it because of the relationship issues but you realize that’s no excuse. Regardless of how sorry you are, you think it’s best for both of you to part ways.
• If your partner is going to freak out and be emotionally unstable, preface the fact that it’s taken you a while to tell him because you know it won’t be easy. But regardless of his feelings, you need to do what’s best for both of you and you know he’ll recover and move on in time.

Most of what we write about deals with successfully making through a divorce. And then after divorce we give advice on co-parenting, coping, moving on, etc. What about the perks? You’re single again! If that doesn’t make you a little happy, you need a new perspective. Not being tied down, no matter what the age, can be exciting. You have your freedom again. In case you need some inspiration, Huffington Post readers shared the following best things about single:

• Your days of feeling lonely even though someone is right next to you are gone
• No more arguments—for the most part
• You have your own bed every night. Well, every night that you want your own bed.
• Spend money however you want. You know all those things you didn’t buy because you didn’t want to deal with your ex being pissed about it? Go buy them.
• Create your own future. You have no one in your way and you don’t need to think about how a partner might be affected by your decisions.
• You may actually have the best sex ever. Find that passion again.
• If you were ever emotionally or physically abused, that will no longer have a place in your life. You should never put up with that again.
• You know that horrible feeling looking at someone, or your wedding ring, and thinking “worst mistake of my life?” Never again.
• You have an excellent chance to learn from your past mistakes and be more careful when it comes to choosing a new partner.

Author Lisa Ardens recently wrote that there’s a good chance you’re probably doing one of these things wrong if you’re having trouble moving on:

• Forgiveness: Most people respond with frustration when asked to forgive their ex. “How could I possibly forgive him/her?” is a common response. But the old saying is true—you’re not hurting him or her by not forgiving your ex, you’re only hurting yourself.
• Grasping: When we lose a part of ourselves, or big changes occur, it’s common to grasp at whatever is left. Often the only thing left after all the paperwork is signed is pain. You hold onto that pain because it’s the only thing you have left to remember the last time you were a family. (Or what you view as a family.) Letting go of that pain means you might start to forget that time. And that’s ok. It’s time to let go.
• Associations: That song, that image, that dress, that car… there are so many things that can immediately pull you back into “that life” and “that time” with your ex. Good news- you can retrain your brain. It will take time and it’s not easy, but you can consciously decide to think of those things for what they are now, and what they could be, not what they were.
• Isolation: This is an issue for introverts, more often. It may seem like a natural reaction to isolate yourself from the world. And if you need to for a week or so, go for it. But know that it’s not healthy and you need human interaction. There are friends and family members who will listen and want to be there for you. Or they will just go out with you and get your mind off it. Let them help. Humans are not meant to be alone.
• Self-care: This can be the biggest struggle for single parents, especially if you now bare the sole responsibility of caring for your kids. Remember that you can only sufficiently take care of them if you’ve taken care of yourself first.

The divorce process takes a toll on your emotions, which range from sadness to anger. It makes sense that after all the commotion, you should step back, take a breath, and begin healing so you can love again, learn to live, and survive on your own.

Four Steps to Healing After Divorce:

1. Find out what causes your personal issues. Everything you are revolves around who you think you are and what you think of yourself. After a divorce, take the time to go on a personal journey of self-exploration and use that to your advantage. Use it to strengthen your weaknesses and improve your self-image.
2. Don’t resist the pain and agony of your situation. It’s important to feel your pain in order to push through it and become a stronger, happier you. If you fail to feel and accept your pain, you do yourself a disservice that will prevent you from making peace with your situation. Once you experience your hurt and pain, you will find it easier to let go of it and feel peaceful and happy again. You will find you don’t need a mate in your life to be happy and fulfilled.
3. Let go of what was and embrace what is in your life now. It’s okay to talk about and remember good and bad memories. However, when you do, let the ones that cause you the most stress go since they hold power over you that keeps you from moving forward in your own life. You are no longer “we” but “me,” so own it and embrace it for all its worth.
4. Accept how you feel and know it won’t last forever. You already know in your head that bad times and feelings eventually fade away and don’t have any bearing down the road in your life. Take that information and use it to empower yourself every single day. Take control of your life, live it, and let yourself thrive. Don’t fight or resist life.

Be patient with yourself and ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to feel, remember, let go, and renew yourself while you are going through the process of healing.

If you are getting ready to go through a divorce, the first step is to find an experienced Corona attorney to handle the legal aspects of your situation. A good attorney will take a lot of stress off you and let you begin the healing process before the divorce proceedings are over. You need to know your rights and take care of divorce business before you can move on and heal. You have nothing to lose when you take advantage of a free initial consultation with an expert divorce lawyer.

Unfortunately, the quest for love is not always smooth sailing. At some point, most of us will have to endure the heartache of a breakup. Whether you have been in a relationship for years or a few weeks, getting over your ex and moving on can be both a laborious and emotional process. During this time, it is important to remember that you need to take care of yourself and proactively move forward in a healthy direction.

• Manage your expectations. Most relationships were not built in a day, so it is unrealistic to presume that you can get over your ex overnight. Give yourself some time to work through your feelings. This is important because you will not be able to move on if you have not dealt with your past. If you are having trouble coping, reach out to your friends and family or seek counseling. If you are not in the mood to talk to others about your situation, write your thoughts down in a journal. Suppressing your feelings at this stage in the process can be unhealthy and can cause you more emotional strain later down the road.
• Accept that your relationship is over. You cannot move on with your life until you let your ex go. If you feel haunted by old photos and/or belongings, get rid of them. Stop communicating with your ex and resist the urge to respond to him/her. Try to avoid running into him/her around town and at social gatherings. The less you see your ex during this period of grieving, the better.
• Look on the bright side. Remember that there are positives to being single. Often, in relationships, we spend an extensive amount of time catering to the needs of our significant others and we forget about our own needs. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself and cater to your own needs.
• Stay busy. It is natural to feel lonely after a breakup. Instead of dwelling on what your ex is doing, make plans to hang out with your friends and family. This will help you to take your mind off your breakup for a while.
• Embrace new experiences and try new things. Whether you go camping, hiking, join a club, take a cooking class, learn to surf, or just make some new friends, you are creating new memories that don’t revolve around your ex. This will help you remember that you can live a happy, healthy life without him/her.

The Phases of Moving On

Once a divorce is finalized, you may decide to move on. Some people may also have family or friends that encourage or force them to move on. It must be noted, forcing oneself to move on can make it harder to recover, we outline some stages people may go through if they do force it. Even if your are ready to take the plunge, you may notice your actions in some of our phases.

• Bunny Hop - This phase can be seen just as a person starts divorcing or is finalizing their divorce and we call it the “bunny hop” phase, where the person hops from this to that. They may date different people, start internet dating, remove old friends and make new ones, travel, get a new job or try new jobs all together. This period can be necessary to understanding your new self and trying things you never would have before – which is healthy. The problem can substantiate if you never step out of this phase and grieve your marriage. Confronting your failed marriage and the pain or anxiety that comes from it is a necessary step to moving on.
• Wallowing - This stage is complicated. A recently divorced person has decided to grieve but life has just caught the better of them. Their new relationship ends, they can’t support themselves financially, they bounce from job to job for a significant amount of time, depression sets in and they feel nothing will ever get better. This stage of wallowing is where one can get stuck in cynicism and sullenness. Getting trapped here can be very lonely. Getting the right support, either through friends, family, therapists or joining new social groups can really help someone in this phase.
• Phoenix - Actually moving on is the phoenix phase, and the symbolism is certainly on purpose. Rising from the ashes of ones divorce having moved past both of the above phases – they have let go of their marriage, they have become self-motivating and accept themselves as a flawed person but forgive themselves for it. This self-realization is empowering and allows them to find their true self. This person is open to new love, never adventures and is happier for it. This doesn’t mean this person will never feel pain or sorrow again or that they won’t think about their divorce one morning and send those old emotions right back to the forefront, but this person has an easier time moving past those moments. One day they realize they haven’t thought about their ex or their marriage for some time -that alone offers comfort and relief.

How many times have I heard a divorcing parent say, “I just want this to be over?”

Surprise! When two individuals divorce and there are children involved, it is never over.

The divorce process usually entails having the property valued and divided, the debts allocated between both parties, a custody plan is developed and support is established.

Soon after, you receive a document called a “Final Decree.”

However, in many cases, the family home has to be sold, making it necessary for the couple to continue to cooperate in order to obtain the most advantageous sale possible. While the couple waits for the home to be sold, they must make sure the property is maintained and the mortgage is paid. Lives change all the time, making it necessary to review and adjust the child custody plan from time to time. The support may need to be adjusted if one or both parent’s incomes change; what about the children’s needs changing?

In a divorce that involves children, the divorced parents must continue to keep one another informed of decisions they make regardless of how hard that may be. Often they must reach agreements before changes can be carried out, such as a change in residence or even a change in employment.

Don’t forget – every change you might make as a parent has an impact on the lives of your former spouse and your children. This requires ongoing interaction and communication with each other. If you cannot cooperate with your ex-spouse and decide to make changes without consenting him or her first, you can very well find yourself back in court litigating the aftermath of the unilateral change.

You still need to interact after your children have grown.

Did you forget about graduations, weddings, and births of grandchildren?

Just because you have a piece of paper called “Final Decree” doesn’t mean you and your former spouse will never see each other again. You need to realize that even though your divorce changed your relationship with your ex, it did not end it. Since you two have children together, you are connected to each other forever. Why not make it as peaceful as possible?

Keeping a Good Relationship

If you have questions or concerns regarding divorce or any other family issue, please contact the family law offices of Holstrom, Block & Parke. We can help you move on to the next phase in your life. Schedule an appointment for you free initial confidential consultation, you can also visit us online and submit our contact form.