Here is what dads need to understand about child custody and visitation if they are preparing to move through a divorce that involves children.
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Infidelity & Divorce in California
Why Is It Important To Maintain Civility With Your EX?
Is marriage forever? For the lucky few, yes. Unfortunately, however, the reality is a significant amount of marriages end in divorce. Many relationships end because one or both spouses have been unfaithful. When infidelity occurs, it can make an already tough situation worse, especially when there are children involved. This is because, rather than completely parting ways, parents still have to spend many years, if not a lifetime, co-parenting, interacting with one another, attending events, family gatherings, and the like.
How The California Court Weighs Infidelity During The Divorce Proceedings
In dissolution and child custody proceedings, it may be tempting to assume that such unfavorable behavior would give the “cheated on” spouse an unfair advantage, financially, with respect to parenting time, and otherwise. It may come as a surprise then to find out that, generally speaking, infidelity will not have much of an impact on your divorce and child custody matter. This is because California is a no-fault state.
In California, divorce and legal separation are generally based on “irreconcilable differences, which have caused the irremediable breakdown of the marriage.” This ground is pleaded generally which means that you do not have to “prove” fault to obtain a divorce. In very rare instances, divorce and legal separation can be based on “permanent legal incapacity to make decisions.” Thus, informing the court that your spouse cheated on you will not get you very far. The court will not award you additional support or time with your children because your spouse was unfaithful.
The Specifics Matter – Make Sure You Consult With An Attorney
On the other hand, disclosing this information to the court may hurt you, at least with respect to child custody and visitation. This can occur if you start bashing your ex to the court. A court may, in some cases, feel that you are not co-parenting. This is because although health, safety, and welfare concerns regarding your children are relevant to custody proceedings; your spouse’s ability to stay faithful is not. Please note, you should always contact an attorney regarding the specifics of your case. Even though California is a no-fault state, your divorce attorney may hear other facts in your case that you may be able to use to your advantage.
3 Tips For Parents Communicating With Their Former Spouse
How To Maintain Communication For Your Child’s Sake
Ideally, parents will work together to amicably raise their child and will consistently make decisions based solely on the best interest of their child. Unfortunately, however, most parents struggle, at least to some degree, with “co-parenting”. The first thing to break down when working to raise a child in two separate homes is communication. The below are some helpful tips to consider when communicating with your ex regarding child custody and visitation matters.
KEEP COMMUNICATION RELEVANT
When co-parenting with your ex, it is important to stay focused on the relevant issue at hand, namely, your child. You should not make a practice out of bringing up issues regarding your ex’s personal life unless there is a strong nexus to your child’s safety or wellbeing. Bringing up irrelevant information may, in some instances, result in an unfavorable ruling in your family law matter.
NO “NAME CALLING”
Being disrespectful to your ex, even when it is deserved, will rarely if ever, help your case. While “telling your ex off” may feel good at the time, it is crucial to understand that this correspondence may come back to hurt you in the future, possibly in the form of an exhibit for the Judge to review. Moreover, even if your ex does not bring this information to the court’s attention, it is likely that you will have made your co-parenting relationship worse.
ADDRESS LEGITIMATE CONCERNS IN WRITING
If you have a legitimate concern regarding the health, safety, or welfare of your child, it is important to bring this information up to your ex immediately, preferably in a written correspondence. While it is hopeful that you will not have to go to court over the issue, it is important to create a written record in the event that your ex refuses to work to resolve this issue, and you have to move forward to get relief from the court. On the other hand, if your ex brings up a safety concern regarding the child to your attention, it is important to address that concern, even if it is an irrational one. Blowing off your ex will show the court that you are not willing to co-parent.
Please note, the above are just a few tips and things to consider when co-parenting with your ex. It is important to discuss the specific issues of your case with a trusted family law attorney.
Social Media and Child Custody
Social media is present in most of our lives today. Whether you use Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or some other social media outlet, most people freely post their comments and pictures without much thought about how the posts may affect them later.
Can social media affect your child custody case?
Many couples include their significant others on their friends list. Mutual friends may also have access to your social media page(s). Social media posts provide a mountain of evidence that can be used against you in court to prove that it is not in the best interest of the children to place them in your care, should issues relating to child custody and visitation arise later. Even an “innocent” re-post of a picture or comment you just believe is funny can be used to show your state of mind.
Social Media Posts and Your Character
For instance, e-cards and pictures relating to alcohol use are often used to prove that a parent has a drinking problem and/or is not stable enough to care for minor children. Additionally, posted statements or pictures relating to your case that are unflattering or places the other parent in a bad light may indicate that you are not the parent who will foster the parent-child(ren) relationship, thus causing you to have a reduced time-share with the children. This is especially true when your children are members of your social media pages.
While there are several other ways that social media can reflect poorly on a parent’s character and therefore their ability to parent, the important thing to keep in mind is to always be mindful of what you are posting on social media especially when you enter legal battles that involve child custody and visitation. Or you can simply turn off your Twitters and Facebooks until your divorce is finalized.
Do's and Don'ts of Custody Mediation
by Chandra Moss
In California, anytime custody is an issue in a family law matter, the parties are required to go to mediation. In some counties, mediation is simply a forum in which a neutral third party helps the parents to work out an agreement. However, there are some counties where the mediator makes a recommendation to the judge. That recommendation can set the tone for your entire litigation. So how do you make the best of what could be a bad situation?
Consider the following:
DO make sure your paperwork is complete if you are the moving party. If you are the responding party make sure you have filed and served your responsive papers prior to mediation.
DO be on time. The mediator’s schedule is usually jam-packed and often, if you are more than a few minutes late, you will not be seen.
DO make all your remarks to the mediator child focused instead of “me” focused. Remember this isn’t about your “rights” as a parent. It’s about the children, your relationship with them and your ability to co-parent.
DO ask for separate mediation if domestic violence is involved in your relationship. You do not have to sit in the same room with your abuser.
DO come into mediation with a custody plan and logical reasons why it should be implemented.
DO talk about the children as “our” children. This takes practice, because we all conversationally refer to them as “my kids”. The explanation is below under DONT’S
DO make sure you get a good night’s sleep before mediation. It might be difficult, but you want to make sure you are alert and responsive to the mediator’s questions. Also make sure you have eaten decently so that you are able to concentrate on the mediation process rather than how empty your stomach is.
DO be polite. You don’t have to be best friends with the mediator, but neither do you want to be on the mediator’s bad side.
DO ask your attorney to help you prepare for mediation. The hour or so spent on preparation is well worth the cost.
DON’T be obnoxious, argumentative or interrupt the other parent. Those tactics usually backfire, with the mediator believing you are the problem.
DON’T point fingers at the other parent or engage in the blame game. Yes, there are times when you need to point out that the other parent has a substance abuse problem or is a danger to the children, but think about couching issues in child focused terms. For example, “Jane is a good mother, but I feel sometimes she lets her need for alcohol overshadow the children’s needs” as opposed to, “Jane is a drunk”. Use “I” statements.
DON’T lean forward, loom, or stare at either the mediator or the other parent. Intimidation tactics, while they might work in the boardroom or during a sporting event, do not work in the context of custody mediation.
DON’T sign anything in mediation without consulting your lawyer, if you have one. Once you sign on the dotted line, it makes it difficult for your lawyer to argue against the recommendation if 1) you change your mind; or, 2) you forgot an important provision that needed to be made.
DON’T talk about wanting 50/50 time shares or any percentages of timeshares. That raises a red flag to the mediator that you are only in this for a reduction/increase in child support, since part of the child support calculation is how much time each parent spends with the children.
DON’T talk about “my rights”. Ever. The mediator and the judge don’t care about you or the other parent – they care about your children.
DON’T refer to the children as “my” children. Another red flag for the mediator – someone who seems possessive of the children will not be found to be the parent who fosters a relationship between the children and the other parent – one of the statutory factors the Court must consider when fashioning a custody order.
DON’T dress like you’re going to wash the car or headed out for a night on the town with the girls. Looks may be deceiving – underneath the oversize T-shirt and low slung jeans might lurk the heart of a great parent, but a mediator and/or judge will have a difficult time seeing past the image you project. Dress business casual, get a haircut, cover your tattoos. And please, do not wear flip-flops!
This is not an all-inclusive list. Keep in mind that above all else, the mediator is looking out for the best interests of the children. You can help the mediator achieve that goal by presenting the best you.
Custody Of Special Needs Children
What If My Child Has Special Needs?
Going through a child custody fight is a battle in and of itself. That battle is only intensified when the child has physical impairments, cognitive deficits or other challenges. A special needs child may require additional financial support, and meeting the child’s various needs can be a significant burden for parents.
There are many issues with a special needs child that are just not a factor in a typical custody battle. Access to any special medical care or child care resources must be taken into consideration, as well as the functionality of the child. Another point that will need to be considered is time. Managing a child with special needs can be very demanding and will require more time and resources from parents. The court will need to weigh all of these issues before determining custody.
Our Riverside Family Law attorneys at Holstrom, Block & Parke are experienced with child custody matters involving special needs children. Whether you are the primary caregiver looking for help to meet your child’s needs, or the non-custodial parent trying to avoid overwhelming child support, we can help. Call us at (855) 747-6225 or send us an email.
What Are The Challenges Of Custody With A Special Needs Child?
There are several unique challenges that apply to a custody matter involving a special needs child. Each child’s special needs deserve special consideration when developing a parenting plan that is in that child’s best interests. While legal custody relates to a child’s education, healthcare, and decisions of that nature; a more detailed plan must be formed in order to account for any special education or services needed by your child.
Joint physical custody may be difficult for special needs children who thrive on routine. Picking them up and changing their environment every few days or weeks can sometimes do more damage than good. Many times, the parent who is not granted physical custody can be hit will extreme child support payments, since raising a child with special needs generally involves more costs than raising a “typical” child.
Our attorneys are familiar with all these issues. We can help make sure that all your child’s needs are met after divorce, from quality time with both parents, to making sure that financial needs are met. Call our Riverside office today at (855) 747-6225 or send us an email online.
Divorce FOR The Kids
“I stayed with him for our kids” is an expression we’ve all heard. Most people can agree that a family with two parents is the ideal situation, but does that principle stick for a family with two parents who are only together for their children?
Nancy Pina recently wrote on YourTango that divorce might actually be a terrific thing FOR your children. She gives three reasons that we’ve listed below:
- You’re creating a negative “norm.” A relationship without love that is lasting “for the kids” is setting a poor example and standard for your children. They will naturally grow up believing that an unhappy marriage may be inevitable. Instead, divorcing sets the standard that they should be in love to be married. And it will ensure they don’t take the marriage vows until they’re as confident as they can be that the love the have will last a lifetime.
- Staying in an unhappy marriage will break you. Trying to “act” in love/happy in front of your child is more emotionally exhausting that one can imagine. It takes a great deal of energy to try to sustain the façade that you’ve created surrounding the most important people in your kids’ lives. Living in an unhappy marriage and having to hide that publicly will undoubtedly create emotional turmoil within, and you may take that out on your kids. In a way, you’re “blaming” them internally and making them the “reason” you have to stay in your marriage. That’s not true and it’s unfair to put that blame on them.
- Staying in a loveless marriage will make it difficult to show your kids proper love. To pour out on other people the affection and emotion they deserve, you need to be filled up emotionally in return. Acting as if your spouse loves you and visa versa is not only exhausting, but you won’t be satisfied emotionally. Divorcing may be the only answer to find inner peace and another shot at love.
I'm the father; how do I prove it?
Your girlfriend just gave birth to a little boy. She says he isn’t yours, but he looks exactly as you did when you were born, according to your mother.
Establishing parentage through paternity action is in the best interest of the child’s physical and emotional well-being. Once you are identified as this little boy’s daddy, he will receive the benefits of child support from both parents.
Paternity can also establish a parent child relationship, which paves the way for a father to exercise his parental rights and be granted visitation. He will receive the love and attention a little boy deserves from his daddy.
However, not all paternity suits mean that the man is the actual father. It wasn’t that long ago that NBA star Michael Jordan was accused of being the biological father to a now 16-year old boy. For unknown reasons, after the woman asked the court to order a DNA test, she dismissed the case against him.
Many times a man is falsely accused of being the father of a child. Then there are times when the woman wants the man out of her life and insists the child isn’t his.
If you believe you fathered a child and you want to be part of his or her life, it is always best to retain a skilled Orange County Family Law attorney who has experience in paternity matters. A father’s active role in his child’s life is equally as important as a mother’s.
Call the Holstrom Family Law offices today. Whether you are concerned about preserving your visitation rights or have questions on establishing paternity, we can guide you through the necessary steps to achieve your goals. At the end of the day, it is the best interest of the child that needs to be remembered.
My Children Need Help
I have heard so many times that after a divorce the parent’s getting along just fine. But there are times where the children themselves cannot get along with their parents.
Children of any age may feel angry when their parents are no longer living together. They are uncertain of what the future holds for them, making the situation stressful and confusing.
It is up to you, as the parent, to make the transition less painful for your children. Helping your children cope with your divorce means being understanding and supportive and attending to their needs with a reassuring and positive attitude.
I know that you are in uncharted territory, but you can help your children to feel loved, confident and strong. Here are a few tips to help your children adjust:
- Keep your patience
- Have a listening ear open at all times
- Provide your children with routines they can depend on
- Make sure they know that divorce was not their fault
- Remind them that they can always count on you for stability, care, and structure
- Try to maintain a cooperative and communicative relationship with your ex
- Make your children your number one priority
Children go through a range of emotions during the divorce process. Their biggest source of anxiety is the fact that their parents will no longer be together and will no longer be a part of their day-today activities. Pay attention to any changes in your child’s behavior, such as anger or depression.
The practice of family law entails more than just an attorney advising a client about their rights.
If you are going through a divorce and your children are having problems coping with it, contact Holstrom, Block & Parke family law office located in Orange County for the help you need.
Because family issues involve highly emotional and personal situations, we can help you and your children get through what could be the most stressful experience of your lives.
Visitation Rights - My Child Doesn't Want To See Me
You are finally granted visitation rights and visiting with your child is supposed to be a time to look forward to. But, what do you do when your child doesn’t want to see you? You can’t force a child to visit with his or her parent.
Your child’s refusal of visits can be because:
- You are not tuned into his or her interests
- Your child is very young and anxious about separation from the custodial parent
The following can be helpful:
- Talk to your child – see why he or she doesn’t want to visit with you
- Assure your child that you love him or her
- Explain what happens during visits
- Allow your child a week or so without visits
If your child doesn’t want to leave their primary home, have a heart-to-heart talk with your ex-spouse. The problem might be an easy one, such as paying more attention to your child or having more toys at your home.
If you are concerned about your time with your child and need some good advice about next steps, contact the experienced Orange County family attorneys at the Holstrom family law offices to discuss your options.
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